Hi Again!
I feel like I should attach a smiley face to these because it always feels a little like getting together with friends. Friends who get me... Friends who know just what I'm going through because they're going through it too. Unfortunately, I'm only hearing myself talk, which is a little weird, but I'm hoping that you feel like it's a conversation. I imagine the things that all of you would say. At least, I hope I do.
You know what I see? Moms, dads, uncles, aunts and maybe grandparents. I see people who put on a brave face day after day because life really must go on. I see panicked, tired eyes. I see pale faces or pink moons on the cheeks that suggest a heightened sense of anxiety. I see red ears, too. I see barely contained rage, and hurt, sadness hidden by smiles... I see many different versions of myself. I see, beneath it all, undying love for these addicted children. I see a blind faith in the ability of our kids to get clean and live happy lives. I. See. Hope.
No, I'm not trying to blow smoke up your collective butts. Although, if I could with sunshine, you bet I'd be working on it! But see, I have some pretty serious personality flaws. I'm a good person, I think, but I am a little bit crazy. When someone hurts me - intentionally or otherwise - I get a little nuts. Or, I should say, I used to get a little nuts.
We all have personality flaws. Mine was to try to hurt others like they were hurting me. Which is crazy because I'm generally a really nice person. The thing is, when I was a kid, I got bullied. It's hard not to when you're a chubby nerd who looks like a boy. I couldn't react well, so it was funny to others. I get that. I also understand where my desire to hurt others when they hurt me or those I love comes from. Now I know how much it ate me up.
So, when people would hurt me emotionally or physically, my reaction was to lash out. It was to appear stronger than they were. Rage is the only emotion I could tap that had that power. I've never felt like I was a very powerful person. I'm not abusive, please don't think that. I don't hit, punch or kick. I don't neglect, and lately, even my anger is pretty short lived.
I remember, with my daughter's bio dad, when he was cheating on me and emotionally damaging me and I knew that he was going to start hitting me anyway, I would egg him on. I would tell him how little I thought of him. Not my proudest moments to be sure, but if he was going to try to make me ugly, I wanted him to have a good reason to do so. So, I'd try to make something about me powerful, to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
Flash forward about 12 years, and you've got a person that mostly never reacts this way, because simply, life is good. It's all happy and fun, and nobody does much to hurt me. Until my daughter started using. Suddenly, all the joy that I had worked so hard to feed my life and my family was being taken away.
Not only that, but it was being taken away from some dumb kid who suddenly thought I was stupid, and fat, and dorky. Not in many years had anyone thought of me that way. I was so damned angry with her.
Instead of talking to her, I yelled. I cried. I stressed myself, and my daughter - as well as the rest of my family - out. I didn't know how to handle what was going on, and I didn't care to try. When she would blow me off on my birthday or mother's day, I wouldn't gently ask her where she was like she probably needed, I wouldn't ask what was wrong, I would accuse her. Of not loving me - duh - like I would have loved me. I would accuse her of doing bad things, acting in a way that wasn't befitting to her, and going out of her way to hurt her family.
Looking back, I'm like "Good God woman! I would have run away and never come back!" No kid wants to deal with that and then feel like they can turn to their parent when they have a problem. I mean, I'm not yet 40, I do remember being a teenager. But the thing is, all of what we know from experience flies out the window when it's your kid and you're the parent muddling through.
I now see how badly my personality flaws affected my relationship with my daughter. I now see how judgmental she thought I was. All because she couldn't/wouldn't express herself to me. All because she wouldn't/couldn't just quit her addiction. If I were to be kinder to myself, I would say that I acted out of hurt and nobody's really thinking clearly when they are hurt. But, on some level I still don't feel like that justifies my past actions.
I understand why our relationship is so strained. I get why she feels defensive and wants to hide. I've done it myself a few times. It makes me sad that her boyfriend's family thinks she's an orphan and acts like I'm "helping" when it comes to spending time. I want more than anything to be close. I am even willing and have been trying, to make the addiction thing something I'm aware of, but don't mention.
There are a lot of secrets that my daughter keeps from me. Some are just part of being her age, I know, but some of them are because she doesn't want me to "freak out." So, when she confides - like she occasionally does - I'm trying to really stay neutral. This way, I can give her a reason to trust me. I'm trying not to argue with her - even when she's telling me dumb things - and I'm trying to be a better version of myself.
I suppose it's about forgiving, too. Forgiving her the hurt she has caused. Because I know I've caused her hurt, too. It's not like I did it on purpose, but that doesn't make it easier to get rid of. It's about healing. I'm thinking that maybe if I can help to heal her heart through my actions, then when it's time, I'll be able to help heal the rest of her when she asks. I hope she trusts me enough to do it when it's time.
So, that's it I guess. If you have personality flaws and you're starting to see them, don't beat yourself up about them, just work on changing them. I'm also learning that I don't have to kiss my daughter's butt to get her to love me. I'm lovable, just how I am. And so are you.
Until next time, be well...
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