How do You Know Your Grown Child is Addicted?

Hi All~

Hope everyone is well. I've been trying to come up with some of the topics that drive me personally crazy about my daughter's addiction all the time. I figure if it gets me, you might be dealing with the same issues. So, today, I want to talk about how you know that your grown child is addicted.

One thing I learned the first time my daughter did a stint in Intensive Outpatient Rehab is that addiction, or "owning" an addiction is up to the addict themselves. So, like even though all the signs are right there screaming, "I'M HOOKED!" If your loved one doesn't admit an addiction, there might not be one.

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check it out!

It's really frustrating to many, and it drives me absolutely nuts. But, it's a reality of this condition. I'm going to call it a condition because addiction is out of the individual's control. As I said in my previous post, once it takes hold, it's there and you can't control it.

So, it raises the question: how do you know your grown child is addicted? Is there any clear cut way to move past the lies your kid is telling you and get to the truth of the matter? More to the point - does it really matter?

Addiction signs

Now, when you look up signs of addiction, they're going to be pretty similar no matter what the substance of choice. They include things like:

• Change in behavior
• Reclusiveness and elusiveness
• Sudden changes in weight
• A lack of concern for appearance
• Inability to find or keep a job, or sudden job loss
• Money problems
• Legal problems
• Withdrawal symptoms which can include runny nose, stomach problems, muscle fatigue or weakness, flu-like symptoms, etc...

Almost sounds a little like me when I was 21. Well, not that bad, because I wasn't addicted to substances or alcohol, but you know, I had fun on my kid-free weekends. I didn't call my parents and I was horrible with money, so of course I had money issues.

It's generic, what many educational sites put out. And it's frustrating for parents who are trying to help their kids. But, you have to understand that clumping generic signs of addiction together can be really tough because addiction is such an individual condition.

If your grown child is a highly functioning addict, for example, you're not likely to see most of these signs for a good, long time. Maybe, you'll never see them. So, you have to know how to look for other signs.

How I know it in my daughter

So, now you might be asking how I know that my daughter is addicted to substances. Well, for starters we've been going through this for a long time. She was 15 the first time that we checked her into treatment. When she was 19 she tried again and played the system - again. This is how I know that she's addicted. Because of the sheer amount of time that we have been dealing with this shit. Sorry for the word, but that's exactly what it is. It's just a crock.

I can also tell because, although she doesn't remember ever telling me, she's admitted to it several times. I've tried to help her through some of her minor withdrawal symptoms, and, I don't know about you, but if I were carrying the visual signs of my addiction around on my arms, I wouldn't be showing it.

In my opinion, only an addict is willing to do this. My grown daughter is addicted. Even though she says, "Mom, it's not even like that," I know that it is. Arguing it doesn't even matter because she's so unwilling to let go of it. 

Frankly, it makes me mad a lot of the time because I'm so tired of her assuming that we area all so stupid. Like we don't notice that she nods off or yawns all the time (both signs of heroin use, by the way). As if I don't see the glassy eyes and change in personality. As if I really believe that those track marks are road rash from falling off a bike a month and a half ago.

Thanks Pinterest, originally from Buzzfeed.com
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I'm pretty sure you have to deal with it, too. And I'm pretty sure that you know just what I'm talking about when I say it's irritating.

I think the most obvious indicator to me is the tension we all feel when she comes over and is waiting for her boyfriend to get them a fix. It makes me crazy because she's just snippy and rude. 

Okay, but how do you handle it?

So, now that you know that my child's addiction, as well as your child's addiction, or your friend's child's addiction is going to be different from anyone else's and that includes the signs, what do you do about it?

Okay, before we get into this, let me mention that I am not a therapist. I am simply someone sharing my story. I do write for Eliterehabplacement.com, and I am the editor of the site (shameless plug - thank you!), and we have some really excellent therapists who write for the site, too. I get a lot of information from them, and it has helped me tremendously, but as far as how to handle things "correctly," I don't have the answers. I can only tell you ideas I've heard of, and things that sometimes work. Pass the disclaimer - on with the show!

Handling your grown child's addiction is a nearly impossible thing. You don't want people to think that your child doesn't have a parent - my daughter's boyfriend's family believes that she doesn't because my daughter and I have a strange relationship. Then again, you don't want to have to deal with the drama and stress of the addiction. 

Remember, we've been going on this condition for almost seven years. That's a long time to wear a person down and make the decision to step back a bit. Things were different when the situation was new. I do a lot of separating. 

In other words, I've set my boundaries - or I should say we have. I won't give money. I will buy diapers. I will feed them if they are here. I am even guilty of having put gas in their car or buying them cigarettes, but I will not give them spendable cash. I was on a gift boycott for a while. It was easy, I just claimed I was broke. But recently, I've decided that that's kind of stupid. I'm not sure that the rest of my family agrees, so the Holidays should be interesting.

I've also started being a bit cynical. In fact, I'm so jaded it's unfair. I'm not mean about it, I just... don't trust her. I don't trust her to stay at my home and care for my dogs while I'm gone. I don't trust her to have a house key, and I don't trust her to watch my youngest daughter. When she talks to me about how this is going great or that is going great, I try to be supportive, but the reality is that I'm just listening to her blow smoke up my butt.

So, why do I keep letting her do it? Well, very simply - because someday, I hope that it all comes true. Because I want it to be true.

In other words, I spend a lot of time coping with the situation - or as one therapist told me - repressing the situation. But actually, I've kind of started just accepting that it is what it is for now. I'm not foolish, I don't believe their lies, but as I've said, I can't cut her out of my life. We offer support and encouragement, but everything is pretty much on our terms. I'm okay with it. Mostly.

Anyway, when your addicted grown child insists he's not addicted, and that his using or drinking is the only thing you see and that you "automatically assume" that he's a junkie, try to avoid blurting out that he is. It might feel good at the moment, but it's not going to do any good for you - or for him. No matter what you choose to do about your child's addiction, remember that it's not yours. 

Thank you all who read this. Be well, and stay strong. There's a lot of life to live and love, so don't let your situation hold you back for too long. You never know what you'll be missing.

Until next time, take care.