Let's Start at the Beginning: Understanding Addiction

My first post ever and I re-read it to find that it's pretty morbid. It's sad, and yes, that's life, but there's also a reality to having an addicted child or grown child that has nothing to do with heartaches and pain. It's the day-to-day reality of coping with the situation in a way that allows you and your whole family to continue to enjoy life no matter what your addicted child chooses to do.

Now, if you have a teen who is battling an addiction, it's a bit different. It's your responsibility to try and help him or her. But eventually, that teen grows up, and your responsibilities and what you're allowed or able to do become blurry.

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Not only that, but many of us don't understand addiction. I know I didn't. At first, I honestly believed that my daughter was punishing me for something that I had done. Yes, maybe on some level she had issues with the way I raised her. She was 15 when we first started this battle, and she was mad that I had forced her into treatment, of course, I was going to be the whipping boy when it came to family therapy. But the reality is that we could have overcome our little problems in a much different way - but by focusing on these issues - she didn't have to deal with the deeper, more troubling problems that she had.

So, where does addiction start, and why do they start doing it?

Okay, so think back to when your kid first started abusing substances or alcohol. What was going on at the time? Did he think that he had a relevant excuse by saying that there was this or that going on? Unfortunately, much of the time, our kids don't really talk to us about the big stuff. They don't tell us things that make them hurt and often, instead of telling us about what bothers them, they hold it all in.

When the chance to start abusing substances or alcohol arises, it's almost a given that some kids are going to try it. They discover that they like the way it makes them feel. They finally fit in. They can accomplish more, relax and feel happy, or have a better time in life. This is how my daughter's addiction started. She had things that she wasn't dealing with. She wouldn't tell me, so I thought that things were okay. It wasn't me - exactly - but my inability to see inside her soul and get her help contributed. 

When she started, it was most likely just with smoking pot. I suspect that pot was laced, or that her "friends" started adding pills to the mix. She's run the gantlet of addictions, too. Adderall was her favorite for a while. It made her mean but gave her the power to pull an F to an A almost effortlessly.

Then it was pain pills and anti-anxiety meds, I think. I'm pretty sure she's done just about everything out there. When we caught her and forced her into intensive outpatient treatment the first time, she said it was to deal with a Suboxone addiction. As if that was her only problem. 

Thanks to: Livescience... Super informative article

See, the thing is that your kid starts it because she likes the way it makes her feel. So she does it again, and again. She does more and more. She learns that she can get high and function so she keeps doing it. The next thing you know, she's physically dependent on these things. 

In my experience, the physical dependence can ebb and flow, depending on how much a person uses or what they use. It takes a good, long while for a full blown addiction to happen, so if you can get the usage to stop during the beginning stages of addiction - or before addiction starts, you might have a chance. The trouble is, that if your child is like mine, she's going to think she has it all under control. 

When it becomes a full addiction

Now, I'm not blind. While she lived with us, she went through her treatment and for a while did a really good job of staying clean. Throughout her history of using, she has actually cleaned herself up many times, or so she said. She lost her baby to us for about five months and managed to work the system. In fact, she tested clean every time she had a test. How can you not believe that? 

My daughter has a tendency to keep things under control very well. She functions well as an addict, and that has for this long kept her out of trouble. Unfortunately, there are some substances that you simply cannot escape the pull of. Heroin is one of them. It is one of those ugly substances that takes hold of your serotonin receptors and won't let go.

Actually, what happens when you use substances or alcohol is that your brain suddenly makes thousands of times more serotonin than it could make all alone. This is why you feel so amazing when you're using. You can't help it. So, your brain believes that it needs the substance or alcohol to survive because there's no way that you can make enough serotonin to function without the help of that substance.

This is where your physical dependence comes in. When you become emotionally dependent on your substance or alcohol of choice, you have developed a full-blown addiction. This is when you cannot imagine life without using or drinking. This is where things can get out of control. 

In my daughter's case. We've hit it. We're there. If her track marks could tell a story, I would say that she's in deep. If her lack of memory and loss of concern for my boundaries or rules tell me anything, it's deep and it's likely only going to get deeper. 

What I've learned about addiction so far

The thing with addiction is that I'm pretty sure my daughter or your son or daughter didn't set out to be horrible people. Remember that the source of the addiction hits the pleasure center of the brain. It causes them to loosen inhibitions, and it makes them say and do all manner of things that they would never dream of if they were sober. They don't mean to be awful, it's just that nobody knows how it feels to need something in order to survive.

The closest thing I can relate it to is when you're so hungry you get "hangry." Your mind is telling your body that you need food - NOW. This is what it's like for a person who battles an addiction. It's not that they set out to be awful, it's just that they hopped on this runaway freight train and don't know how to get off. Often, they aren't to the stage where quitting is an option.

I also know that addictions are really hard to quit. If you try to quit for the wrong reasons, you're simply trying it and might not make the recovery progress that you need to make. For that reason, many people relapse and relapse again. Because just as addiction itself has cumulative effects, recovery is a process, too.

I've also learned that I am not willing to give up or cut my addicted grown child out of my life. I have discovered that I would rather have a relationship with her - as she is now - than live with the regret that this child was thrown to the world with no one to love her. I cannot live with that knowledge. I have discovered that I am strong enough to be the gentle guide that she needs. I quietly encourage treatment and let her know that I see what's happening, and push a little bit each time. Just enough. Eventually, the seed I have planted may grow - and when it does - I will be the one standing there cheering her on and helping her through in whatever way I can.

So, it's Friday. If you've read this, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. If you're struggling with your loved one's addiction, please know that you are always in my heart and my prayers. And that you have someone on your side always. Until next post - be well. Love yourself. And make the most of life with those who want to spend it with you.