My Child's Addiction Might Be My Fault, But it's Probably Not

Hi Everyone, 

So, I've been thinking about this subject. My child's addiction, sure, but more to the point... Did I cause it? Did my parenting somehow damage my daughter to the point that she would need to constantly numb her damaged psyche and heart? Did I not tell her that I love her enough? Did I neglect her or make her feel like she was less than she truly is? Did my goofy ways somehow diminish her overall importance and self-esteem?

Thanks to: slodive.com

There have been so many nights that I've cried myself to sleep. I wondered if I could have hugged her a little harder or done something differently. I used to think if I could just go back to that little girl and show her more how important to me she was, it could have made all the difference.

I would lie awake and replay every moment we spent together. Looking, searching for something, anything that confirmed her accusations of my lacking parenting skills. Now, I have to say, I was 17 when she was born. I loved (still love - of course) her more than I had ever loved anyone. My sole purpose in life was to be her momma. I wasn't the best when it came to reading her books or educational things. But, she got a diverse musical education and had a vocabulary that impressed most grown-ups.


We laughed a lot. We did fun things. I didn't make much money, but my schedule allowed me to spend a lot of time being her mom. We did funny stuff like driving to the end of a rainbow. There were nights that I would drive around and we would just listen to music. Sometimes, we would go for walks, other times, we would watch scary movies. Friday nights when she was with me were a big deal. We would order delivery pizza and a salad and we would get a movie or two. 

I admit, I wasn't awesome about being involved in her school activities when she was young. Most of them took place while I was working, and while my job was sort of flexible, it was a job and I had to work. However, with the help of my parents, my daughter got to do all kinds of things: karate, Irish step-dancing; and later after I got married, soccer, cheerleading, and softball. I was always there for these. I stayed during lessons. I watched when I was allowed. I was even on the soccer board and always tried to be involved in her life. 

I believe that things happened at her father's house. He was abusive to me, so I wouldn't be surprised if things happened with her, too. I remember begging her to tell me - to give me something that I could justify keeping her home with me - but she never, ever did. She never told me most of the things that happened, and I don't even know now. But I believe that they had a significant impact on her life. I also believe that she blamed me for it. 

I do know that she blamed me for getting married. Suddenly, she said, it wasn't just the two of us anymore. Let me qualify that my husband was really wonderful to her. He wanted to be her dad. He was involved and cheered her on. But, when it came to discipline, she would always retaliate and say that he wasn't her dad. He tried. He loved her. Still does. But, how can you expect a kid to feel when they get what they wanted, but the players aren't the people they had in mind?

Image from Huffington Post

So, I've searched and searched for some way that my child's addiction is my fault. I've come to the conclusion that even if I did something wrong, it wasn't for lack of trying. It wasn't without love. I've always loved that girl, and continue to. Everything I've done has been out of love. Even the hard stuff is out of love. It's an effort to preserve that love. It's an effort to keep the door open when it should by rights be closed.

If I've caused her addiction and could do something to take it back, I might. But then again, if not being married anymore would make it go away, I don't think I would. If never having met my husband would make it so it didn't happen, I wouldn't wish for that, either. It's our relationship that gave me my youngest daughter - who is just as precious to me as my oldest.

The point is that in this journey of my child's addiction, I'm discovering that I'm not to blame all the time. I'm finding that my girl has to learn to stand on her own two feet emotionally and that sometimes, blaming me isn't an option. I'm not selfish, and I'm not mean, but I deserve the beautiful life that I'm trying to build for myself. 

Not long ago, I told her that there's no way I caused all of her problems. She admitted that it wasn't me. I would think that she was humoring me, but about a year ago when she had to go to parenting classes, she told me that I do everything that they say a good parent should do. 

Yes, some nights, when things are dark and lonely, I still wish I could go back and hold that little girl tight. I wish I could tell her all that I know now. I wish more than anything that I could experience her true joy again, but I know that I can't. So these days I try to hold her hand emotionally when she needs help. I try to be a calm influence in her life and guide her to see rationally how to cope with her emotions. 

Photo from: PopSugar  Lots of fun ideas in this article!

It doesn't take the past away, but maybe it will help her future. I hope so. As for me, I'm working on letting my guilt go, and I wish for all who read this that they will, too. Guilt is the most destructive emotion there is. Don't let it eat you up. Don't let your child tell you that it's your fault that she is addicted. You didn't make the decision for your child to use or drink, don't take the blame for the illness that has followed.

Thank you everyone for reading. Until next time, be well...