So, it's another day in paradise. I hope everyone who reads this can see their personal silver lining. It's hard, I know, I'm right there, too. I don't know if I ever clarified this, but this blog is kind of more about my journey to recovery from my daughter's addiction. See, it's her addiction, but in many ways, it's my battle. Or, I should say, recovering from the effects that her addiction has had on my life is my battle. It's my husband's battle, and it's my youngest daughter's battle. It's my granddaughter's battle. She was born into it and has no idea she's even fighting it yet, but she will. And I plan to be around to guide her through it if she'll let me.
So, today, I want to talk about why you need to keep all your other relationships strong when you're dealing with an addicted grown child. Now, trust me, I totally know how hard this can be. In theory, it's easy, right? You talk to your spouse, and you cope with what needs to be coped with. You tell your other kids you love them and muddle through.
Right, so now put it into practice. The problem is that you all have different ideas about how things should be handled. You also have different opinions about your addicted grown child. You, as the parent, might feel like I do - that her addiction influences a lot of things that she says and does - but that deep down inside there is still that little girl who hurts a lot. I can't tell you how many times I have cried over the thought of my little girl, the one I used to know and hug and love so dearly, trapped in the body of this young woman who can't seem to figure out how to live a decent life.
That's what I think of addiction. Yes, she made a bad few choices. But I believe that at the heart of it, her addiction is holding her hostage. So, in a way, I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at her addiction.
My husband, on the other hand, is a whole other story. He's mad at her a lot of the time. In my last post, I talked about how he chose to be her dad when her bio-dad didn't want to. I talked about how he selflessly took on raising a child that didn't belong to him. He loved her when he had no reason to. She has done a lot to destroy that love.
I'm sure he still loves her, but he has also been very hurt by her. He is jaded, now, because she seems to go so far to take advantage of him. Lately, things have been much better on this front, but I'm afraid that blind love that many parents have for their children is gone. I believe that with time, things will get better for them, but for now, there is a lot of anger and very likely, some disgust.
My husband, for his flaws, does love me. He loves me in a way that suggests he would smother me trying to protect me because that's what he knows how to do. I am grateful for that love, but I also know that a large part of our relationship strains have come from his desire to protect me from my daughter, and my desire to find some kind of peace with her.
This is where the need for value of the relationship comes in
If you're going through this, you probably know what kind of strain a grown child's addiction can put on your relationships. My husband and I have gone through it. I tried to do things his way, he tried to do things my way, and we've finally broken through all that anger and misunderstanding to find a sort of peace. It cannot have come at a more necessary time, either.
See, you're going to need that support, but in order to get it, you're also going to need to know how to communicate with the rest of your loved ones. This means that in exchange for being heard, you need to hear what your other family members are saying. You also need to be brave and strong enough to tell your family when it's time to have your feelings and thoughts be heard.
Then, you need to listen. We're all bad at this because we get so bogged down in what we feel. We only want someone to listen to us, because we hurt so damn bad. I know I don't have to tell you about the loss that my daughter's addiction has caused me to feel. I know you know how it feels. You and your family can be each other's built-in support system, and you should be, but you need to learn how to care for each other.
When it comes to your spouse, partner or mate, it might come down to respecting the value of your relationship more than it comes down to your love for him or her. Don't worry, the love will come back, but only if you work at it.
When it comes to your other children, I can tell you that they will cry silent tears. You might not see them. You might not hear them, but they are definitely there. You might try to overcompensate by letting them be part of every activity out there, buying them things you cannot afford and going over the top to ensure they always have a good time... I've tried this, it doesn't work.
You know what does? Connecting. Making your other children see that they matter, their feelings matter and it's okay to feel how they feel. Giving your kids time - yourself - to spend with you, even if it's just while you're watching a movie. Taking the time each day to find out about them and giving them the gift of experiencing things exclusively with you. Both my daughters and I have this thing. We look at each other with a completely neutral face, but we make deep eye contact. In those instances, I know that we are connected in a way that no others are. I know that they feel this way, too. For us, it's enough.
So, what's the point?
I am getting to it, I promise. There are good reasons why you need to keep your other relationships strong when you're dealing with an addicted grown child. Very simply, you cannot get the support you need if you aren't willing to give it. You cannot get the love and affirmation you need if you are always stuck in a cycle of anger, frustration and misunderstanding with the rest of your loved ones.
You're going to get through this. No matter what happens, you will get through this. You can thrive or you can survive, but chances are, this situation will not kill you. I don't know about you, but I like to be happy. I like to be joyful for my blessings even when things look pretty bleak. I like to be grateful. I have chosen to stop letting my daughter's addiction affect my relationships - I should say we have chosen it.
As a family, we stand united, and my grown daughter is beginning to see that she cannot penetrate these workings. She can become part of it, but only as far as she is willing to give. We, the remaining three of us, understand this now. We work with each other better now. I'm not perfect, and neither is my husband. Sometimes, he's searching for ways to feed his anger, and I call him out on it. Sometimes, I don't want to talk about it, and he calls me out on it. But, we are trying.
At the end of the day, I figure that you have to do your best. While your addicted grown child would like to think that the sun rises and sets off their butt, you have others who love you, need you, and want to be a part of your life. Sometimes, focusing on them and letting your addicted grown child do what he does is the best thing you can do for yourself.
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