Guess What World: I'm Not a Victim!

Hi to everyone reading this! I haven't posted in a while, and I can explain why: I'm taking control of my life. I'm doing more for me. I've decided that in my journey with my addicted daughter, I have to take care of my needs. I have to do more to ensure the security and success of myself and my husband and my youngest daughter than I have been... 

It's draining when your child battles an addiction, I know. It's tiring that everything you ever talk about to do with your child turns into something negative. It's a heavy burden to carry when you feel like you're swimming against the current in maintaining hope that your grown addicted child will finally be okay. I know. It's exhausting, disheartening, and downright heartbreaking. 


Sometimes, I really feel like one more heartbreak and I'll just shatter and blow away. Then, my husband hugs me, or my youngest daughter makes me laugh. Sometimes one of the dogs gives me a sweet sniff, or my granddaughter calls me "MeMe," which is her version of Mimzy, and I realize that I won't break and be left at the mercy of the wind. No matter what happens, I am here. I am alive and I am living.

So, that's what I want to talk about today: Not being a victim. Not being at the mercy of my daughter's addiction and just being me. Me, who happens to be someone that has a child battling an addiction. Me, who just maybe will be able to navigate her way through this life and be a help to someone other than herself.

I'm not a victim, and neither are you

There are two ways that you can live your life and cope with your grown child's addiction: you can wallow, cry, pray, beg and give into the endless despair. Or, you can accept that this is a part of your life right now, acknowledge that things might change, and work to continue living your life no matter what happens.

Yes, you're going to hurt. You're still going to pray, and if you're like me, you'll still be looking for sneaky ways to convince your child to stop using or drinking. You'll probably still get a little thrill when they tell you that they're getting ready to get clean and sober - even when you don't believe it - and don't be surprised if you secretly enjoy seeing your kid, even when you know what he'll be up to later.

You're going to do all of these things like I do, and then, when your kid leaves, you're going to breathe a sigh of relief and you're going to relax a little. 

Or, I should say, this is what I do. This is how I live now. I don't know when it happened, or if it's been a slow evolution, but somehow, I'm finally finding that I can live. I can breathe. I'm thinking that maybe I'm finishing my mourning period - you know, the time you have to take to come to terms with the fact that your child may never be who she was before. 

We'll talk more about the mourning period next time, and how you really need to go through it, but for now, this is where I think I'm at. For today, I can count myself as lucky. I saw my daughter last night and she was clean. Skinny as hell, but clean. I'm not a fool, I know that it will take her a while to be successfully recovered, but each time she is, I experience a little thrill.

That's a sidebar, but one I thought was worth sharing. The point is that after... What, five, six years? After all this time, I'm finally letting go and letting her do what she needs to do. When I offer to help these days, it's on my terms. If she doesn't like it, that's okay. I give what I can and nothing more.

I'm not a victim, but I'm not heartless

So, I'm not a victim, but I'm not heartless. I think, for me that's what's given me the most freedom. I have found a balance between being mean - or feeling mean - and taking care of me. It's not been easy, but some good old fashioned honesty has been helpful. By being honest with everyone - finally - I'm not pretending to be stronger than I am. I'm not covering for anyone and I'm not standing in the way of people when they need to express themselves.

By avoiding all of this negativity, I'm able to give love without worrying whether it's reciprocated. I'm able to maintain hope even if it's never realized, and I'm okay with things that don't happen. I'm able to be a mom - hoping for good things for her children - cheering them on from the sidelines, and stepping back when the time comes.

So, here's what I propose to everyone reading this who is feeling like they are at the mercy of their child and his or her addiction: Go through the process. Start accepting that your child may never choose to get clean and sober. Maintain the hope that she will, but don't put your future on it. In fact, don't put anything on it.

Start taking care of yourself little by little. Start building your happiness. Go to dinner with your mate. Spend time with your other kids. Go shopping and get something amazing for God's sake! Enjoy your life. Little by little. 

Don't take that call that you know will knock you down, set a time for your addicted loved one to visit you, and offer help on your terms. Don't back down. Keep your boundaries firm, and let your life be yours, and your addicted grown child's life be his. 

It's not easy. It's never easy - I know. But together, maybe we can start showing the world that just because we have an addicted grown child, we aren't going to let that stop us from being happy. There is no shame in this, and there should be no fear of being blamed for that which you did not cause. You are not a victim, and neither am I.

So, be well friends. Take care of yourself and start taking charge of your life again. It's time to find a little bit of happiness.