Working Through the Negativity of Having an Adult Addicted Child - and Being Grateful Despite it

Hi All! 

I know it's been a while, and I apologize. Things have been happening, though. Not all bad, but not all good, either. I hope you're all hanging in there, and learning more about yourselves and coping with your grown child's addiction better and better each day.

I wanted to make this post about being grateful for the relationships you have, because last week, my youngest daughter's very good friend lost her dad. She has been friends with her since kindergarten, and, while he had been in the hospital since October 6 of this year, his death still hit us hard.

See, we know their family, and they're really good people. Always generous, kind and friendly. I don't think my oldest daughter's addiction ever prepared my youngest for the impact of a loss of this magnitude. To my youngest's credit, she's been a wonderful friend. 


The family has a go fund me account, which I've included the link for. Even if you can't or don't want to donate, read his story. It definitely got me thinking. It got me thinking about the fact that despite my daughter's addiction, I still have her. She is still breathing and living, walking around and that makes every single day a new opportunity to get it right. My daughter's friend doesn't have that option anymore.

So, in the spirit of reminding us all how bad things could be, and as a way to help others, I'm going to read through some stories and include a link to them periodically. It will help all of us to remember what we do have, and give us an opportunity if we're able, to help where we can.

However grateful you are, though, there is still a ton of negativity to contend with when it comes to a grown child's addiction, and it's likely coming from someone in your family. For me, it's my husband. He's become the most negative person I know since everything started with my daughter. 

The negativity and the arguments have grown progressively worse, and then they back off. For a while, when my daughter isn't staying here, he's wonderful. Then, when she comes back like she did last week when her boyfriend went to jail, he slowly becomes a monster.

I'm going to write another post about my daughter's progress, but for now let me just say that my husband is punishing me for a decision that I didn't make. He made it. Then he changes his mind. In the whole scheme of things, this might not be so bad, but over the years, the arguments, his anger, and the heartache it has caused have really added up.

I know that he's a good person, and I love him. I understand his frustration, I really do. But I know how hard it can be to cope with the negativity of having an adult addicted child. At one point when my oldest was living with us, he actually told me that if she wasn't able to move out within a year, he would leave me.

Now, I'm an old softie, I guess, but I hardly think it's fair that I should be punished for the sins of my child. But, still, although I argue back with an unmatched intensity sometimes, I try to do things in a way that will keep my husband happy. I try to put his needs before mine, and most of the time, my relationship with my daughter is carried out quietly, so as not to invite suspicion or anger with my husband.

I'm thinking that this time it's just too much. I don't much care to argue about his anger. In fact, I don't want to hear it. I try not to argue about things that aren't pertinent. And I'm just hoping that my daughter's boyfriend gets out of jail soon. My heart hurts for her because she's really trying and he just keeps pushing her away.

For my part, I'm stuck in the middle. I don't think I can keep living this way, and that's okay because she just told me she got a job! Which means she passed her drug test... Which means it's time to write another post on her progress!

However, the negativity of this situation has really worn me down, so I had to talk to some of my writers who are therapists... Their recommendation? Therapy for us. Therapy for him. His response? I don't know, I haven't asked him yet. But, I am inclined to agree with them. It's time for him to start working through some of his feelings. It's time for him to learn how to cope with how my daughter's addiction has affected him, and I am ready to admit that I can't help him get through it. I don't know how.

I do know that through the worst of it, allowing him to communicate his feelings, without expressing mine, has been incredibly helpful. The trouble is that I'm stuck crying in the shower or just sitting quietly. He's not very good about allowing me to express my feelings, and this is where the breakdown comes.

I know that my therapist writers are fairly convinced that I've suppressed a lot of my feelings, but the truth is that I have just managed to work through them. I'm really okay, but that's the way I do things. I just cope with them until I feel better, and I really do feel pretty good most days.

The thing is, even though I'm okay with most things, I know that lots of others aren't really doing so well with the negativity of having an adult addicted child. I know that they're bogged down with the arguments, torn up life and issues that their child's addiction causes. I know, because I've been there, too.

I would say that praying helped me through. And work. I push through even when I don't feel like it because nothing is worse than being broke and struggling with your grown child's addiction at the same time. Nothing makes things seem more daunting than worrying what you'll make for dinner and having to cope with all the other crap that having a loved one with an addiction can bring.

Another essential is making sure to make time to spend with your mate. Don't just assume that you shouldn't because you've been arguing. Make it time to avoid talking about your loved one's addiction and just do something you both can enjoy. Get out of the house. Go to dinner, the movies, whatever you need to do to reconnect a little bit and remind yourselves that no matter how much it might feel like your grown child's life is your own, it's really not.

I ramble. I'm sorry. There was a lot to say today, and a lot for me to share. Thank you so much for visiting. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I hope that it helps one of you. If not, maybe it will just be entertaining :) Anyway, be well, take care of yourself, and try to be grateful for what you do have.