Why Do I Need to Grieve My Child Who is Still Living?

Hi All!

How's living with an addicted grown child going? Yeah, it's been a little exhausting for me, too. I know in my last post, I talked about how the negativity of living with a grown addicted child can really affect your life. So, you all probably know where I'm at with my personal struggles. The good news is, I'm not alone. I have an amazing support group - and I've had some time to grieve the loss of the person I used to know. So, I want that to be my topic for today: Why do I need to grieve my child who is still living?

Oh, I hear it, and I know where you're at with this one because I hung out this way for quite a while. I remember thinking: what? Why? Well, here's the thing: your grown addicted child will never be the same. When she decides to get clean, she will be a different person than the one you used to know and love.

Part of the reason my daughter's addiction hurt me so personally

Okay, so here's the thing: if you're like me, your grown child's addiction hurts you for a couple of reasons. It's not that your kid is so much doing things you don't agree with, it's that your child, as you knew them, no longer seems to exist. See, for me, my daughter was my constant. I knew she would grow up and fall in love, but I didn't think that our relationship would suffer such a tremendous shift. 

I'm a reasonable person. I can handle arguments, disagreements, and her belief that I am "getting old." I get it. It's what happens. I know that a woman in her early 20's probably doesn't want to hang out with her parents all the time. She wants to live. I get it. I totally understand it. I would expect nothing less. But, the silence, the anger and pure hatred that she seemed to throw out at me was far beyond my comprehension. 

I mean, I get that it's her addiction. I understand it, but it hurt me. Cut me to the core hurt. I might as well have been going through a years-long divorce for as much as this change in my relationship with my daughter hurt. Like many, I lost a precious, essential person in my life when addiction took hold of my child. I needed to grieve that loss, because even when my daughter manages to get clean, she will no longer be the person I used to know and love.

It's so easy to say, but...

Are you still wondering why you need to grieve your child who is still living? Even if they are sitting in front of you, flesh and blood, you probably look at your grown addicted child sometimes and wonder just who this stranger in your child's body is. Yeah, I get it. I've looked at this girl who I raised and seen gorgeousness. I've also seen despair. I've seen a person I don't know at all, and I've seen it all in a matter of seconds. 

For the longest time, these things just ate me up. I aged. My happiness faded. I was lost in this limbo that I knew couldn't last forever. It's what caused me to start trying to cope with the loss of her as she was because that child would never come back to me. I had to let go. For my own good.

It's kind of crazy the way these things happen to me. It's almost like if my heart just knows that it can no longer function in a state of perpetual hurt, and I begin to heal. I kind of - slowly let go. I don't do therapy because I find that I kind of sort through things on my own pretty well. I am a deep enough, quiet enough person that I can get deep into my heart and mind and somehow make it better. Better for me.

Essentially, the bottom line is that we all have a way of healing our hearts. It's the only way we can truly move on and live a happy life. The logical part of our brain understands loss, but the emotional part of the brain can't seem to cope. I am one of the lucky ones who tends to sort through things when it's time. If you're not, though, it's so important for you to grieve your child who is still living but battling her addiction because you will likely never get that same old relationship back again.

I guess the message here is that if you feel like you're struggling to cope with your grown child's addiction, it's time for you to seek help for yourself. I know, it's expensive. But lots of insurance companies cover at least five visits to the therapist. That's five weeks of help. And, with groups like Al-Anon, you can talk to others and get down and dirty about how you really feel about your kid's addiction. You'll find support that you might not have if you didn't go to these meetings.

Okay, so now you're probably wondering why I don't practice what I preach. I know, I know... I would go if I felt I needed to, but I've gone through it. If I couldn't, though, you can bet I'd be one of the first ones finding a chair.

Either way, I know how you're feeling. I get the pain of the loss. Everyone has their own grieving process, and your's isn't going to look like anyone else's, but let yourself start letting go. Be happy for the memories, come to terms with the changes, and start moving forward. 

And take care of yourself. Love yourself, and be kind to yourself. Remember, even when you feel alone, I promise you're not. You're never, ever alone. Until next time, thank you so much for checking in.