I really hope nobody's freezing to death out there! I checked and it looks like even folks in Florida are crazy cold! No beaching it this week for the Snowbirds! Not to worry, it's going to get nice again soon. I checked. Plus, it is winter, which is always pretty depressing to me. Artificial heat, snuggled under blankets and nothing but a cold, frosty landscape when you look outside. Like I said, depressing. But, it can be seen as a time of regenerating, I guess.
Anyway, so I thought of something last night when I received my addicted daughter's last text of the evening... The reason I have to qualify her in that way today is because she was kind of being an ass. Actually, a lot. It wasn't what she said, it's how she said it, and since she's engaged again, she seems to think that she doesn't need us anymore. She's not working, and he's probably not, either. She thinks she has her "little family," but in truth, it's two just-barely-legal adults and one itty bitty who has no say over the heroin-induced haze that her parents live in.
Not so long ago, I did a post about my daughter deciding to get clean. I was eager to hope but skeptical in a healthy way. It turned out to be false hope, and I expected it to be. Now-fiancee was in jail at the time, and sadly it turns out that my daughter just hid her use from me better than I care to admit.
But, it did get me thinking about what people who decide to get clean and sober wind up going through. What their families go through. What. Their. Moms. Go. Through. So, I thought I might break this down a little bit, because I always maintain that addicts are still people, and they need to be cared for in a certain way.
What it's like for the person battling the addiction
So, first of all, let's take a look at what it's like for the person battling the addiction. Now, if you have an addicted child, you know that this is the only person your loved one will be thinking about: herself. It's really sad, but it is what it is. For your grown addicted child, no matter what the source of addiction, though, the only thing that's real is the self-loathing and desire to get high yet again.
For my daughter, the only thing that matters is her fiancee who does the same things as she does, and whatever people will help her in her quest to get higher and higher. She loves her daughter as much as I guess she can, but her addiction has kind of damaged that ability, too. I feel like she loves her daughter because she is a piece of her very important, long-lasting romantic relationship.
The fallout for her if she ever does decide to get clean will probably be very significant. See, if she and her fiancee don't do it together, there will be no desire for sobriety of any kind, and their addictions are such now that without professional help, there will be no recovery at all.
She's going to have some pretty serious physical problems if she does choose to get clean. If she's lucky and able to have a medically assisted detox program, it might not be so severe, but then she runs the risk of developing an addiction to whatever they give her to make heroin withdrawals easier to handle.
Not only that, but she's pretty likely to be bored. Until she goes to therapy and has to take a good look at the person she has become. It'll get worse when she has to face her demons of the past. There are things that I don't even know - she won't tell me - but that's fuel for another post. The point is, my addicted daughter isn't very good at seeing the truth and coping with it. Obviously, right? This part of the fallout from deciding to get clean may well damage her fragile self in such a way that without help, she won't be able to cope.
Okay, so when you add that to the fact that she has burned a ton of bridges, and with no job, and having to take a good look at everything from how she parents or doesn't, how she treats others and deal with the physical cravings, getting clean sounds like it pretty much sucks.
But, here's the tricky thing: What if she owes some dangerous people money? What if someone is out to get her? What if she gets HIV or Hepatitis? Then, it won't be an overdose that kills her, but something else while she's trying to live a good life. What if she doesn't change her number and all her junkie contacts keep calling or texting? What if she has to move far, far away? These are potential scenarios that I'm guessing she sees, and won't admit to herself or anyone else.
The fallout for - well - everyone else
So, we know the fallout from deciding to get clean for my daughter, but what about for all of us who love her? What's it like for us? I can tell you from experience that without professional treatment, she doesn't last much more than a few days. Then she's looking for a fix of just about anything. I'm pretty sure heroin puts an ache in your belly and your body. It makes you long for the shelter of the haze and it leaves you wanting more. That's why they say it's like a boyfriend or girlfriend that you can't get enough of. New love, comforting old love. Fall into the arms of it and see how all the ugly layers of life peel away. Poetic, right? I get wanting that kind of comfort. I do. I know that there have been times in my life - and I know I'm not alone, here - when the only thing I longed for was something to take away the ache. The heartache, the pain, the physical pain of a night spent getting pounded on from a guy who only wanted my dad's money. I get it.
For me, it was sleep. Sleep healed me. It made me solid, and whole. Others can't sleep, and heroin helps.
But, getting clean is so damn hard. For everyone. You can guess that it's going to be hard for you, as the friends and family of someone battling an addiction. For you, the exhaustion has likely just begun and it's not going to end anytime soon. If you don't get your grown addicted child into rehab, especially during these early times, you might want to make sure you're strong - and tough.
You may deal with violence, rage, mood swings. Crying, and lots of disgusto sickness. There's also a good chance that your kid is going to say things to you that you would rather not hear. They need someone to talk to and you're right there. Some of it is to make you regret your decision to help. Don't. Other parts of it are to connect. Your kid needs a connection right now. It's you if everyone else is gone.
It's pretty likely that you'll also have to financially support your grown addicted child while he is getting clean, and try to force him to a meeting? Good luck. If he's not going voluntarily, chances are, he's not going. If he's not working on some kind of treatment, there's a good chance that he's not planning on staying clean for long.
And that brings me to the next issue. You get to be the one left holding the puke bag when your kid decides that she's done. She's over it and today is not her day for recovery. Trust me when I tell you this hurts. Even though you think you can't feel anything about your addicted child's situation, you can. And you will. It might be anger. It might be another chink in the boundaries and walls that you have managed to put up, or it might just be that you're pissed off. But trust me, you will feel it.
These days, when I think about my addicted daughter, I don't think in terms of "when" she decides to get clean, I think in terms of "if." Even more, I worry about the fallout from deciding to get clean that will be inflicted on me. What will I be called upon to do yet again? How much is enough? How much more stretching, bending and plucking can our relationship, and my sanity, take?
Yes, my addicted daughter is a person. She wants and needs love, support, and caring, but more and more what remains of the person she was, slips away. It gets smothered more and more each time she hits a spiral. I love her, though, and I will be there when it's time.
So, I guess I wonder, you know when people think that it's just easy to "quit" using or drinking. Like, do they have any idea of the fallout from deciding to get clean that people face? Would they take it so lightly if they did? Anyway, thank you for reading - as always. Be well, and take care.
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