Well, it's cold, and he's cute!
So, today I want to talk about how I've lost myself because of my daughter's addiction. Do you feel it, too? Of course, we all have times that we sacrifice the essential "us" of us to help make things better for loved ones. Maybe it's the workouts you love. Or, maybe it's music that you stop listening to because your granddaughter wants to watch "Hot dog..."
Oh, wait, that's me! I'm sorry, but you get my point. Now, maybe you're thinking that everyone grows up, and maybe I'm just not being a grown up. Well, yeah, maybe. I mean, like lots of people, I get a little carried away when it comes to being self-centered, but this isn't that.
What I mean by "lost" myself
First, I want to explain what I mean when I say that I lost myself. I mean that there are things that I very much enjoy doing that I have stopped doing in the course of my struggle with my daughter's addiction. Why? Well, for a number of reasons. I guess part of it is that many of these things that I love to do are most fun when you're feeling upbeat and positive about things.
So, it's kind of hard to continue when you're struggling in some very basic way. Now, I don't want to blame everything on my daughter's affinity for almost any kind of intoxicating substance. I mean, there are some things that weren't caused by her. However, there are a lot of things that have been caused by her. Or, wait, let me rephrase that... There are lots of changes that I have made to my life as a result of my daughter's addiction. There, that sounds better.
Always remember, communicating well is important. When you're speaking with your addicted grown child, you're going to want to know that because words have the power to cause an issue to flare up, and they also have the power to calm a person down. Okay, there's that sidebar...
Anyway, I have become very jaded as a result of my oldest daughter's continued abuse of substances. It's heroin now, but it hasn't always been. She's done some pretty scary and funky stuff. So, now I'm jaded. I can totally tell when a person is lying to be, and, since I love, love solving puzzles, I can piece together a string of lies to come up with the truth like no other. You're going to get pretty good at it, too, I bet.
Anyway, when I say I lost myself, I mean I stopped doing things that I really love doing. You know, like just plugging away at an unfinished novel. Or, spending time just me and my dog... Gardening. Planting trees and bushes. Dancing while I do my makeup. In a very real way, I lost a lot of my joy. I used to be so happy. I wasn't afraid of the world because I knew that only good things would come. These days, I love life. I really do. I can see the beauty in every situation, but sometimes, it's a little more forced.
In fact, even driving isn't as much fun because I don't have my dj with me anymore. I mean, she would have had to grow up eventually, but the way she did it, you know? A lot of my dreams for her have gone up in smoke, too. Oh, sure, they were basic dreams. Like what she would look like when she married the perfect man. Or how proud I would be when she graduated from college. Basic things, really, but no more important than other ones.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about how my daughter's addiction wasn't about me... But damnit - yes - it is about me. It has changed my life in some majorly profound ways. It's done a lot to take some really wonderful aspects of myself away from me, so, yeah, it's about me. Every day, it's about me. I mean, what if she overdoses? What if she dies? Worse - what if she's a vegetable for life? What then? Because, I don't know about you, but addiction or not, I'm afraid that would kill me.
So, it's kind of hard to continue when you're struggling in some very basic way. Now, I don't want to blame everything on my daughter's affinity for almost any kind of intoxicating substance. I mean, there are some things that weren't caused by her. However, there are a lot of things that have been caused by her. Or, wait, let me rephrase that... There are lots of changes that I have made to my life as a result of my daughter's addiction. There, that sounds better.
Always remember, communicating well is important. When you're speaking with your addicted grown child, you're going to want to know that because words have the power to cause an issue to flare up, and they also have the power to calm a person down. Okay, there's that sidebar...
Anyway, I have become very jaded as a result of my oldest daughter's continued abuse of substances. It's heroin now, but it hasn't always been. She's done some pretty scary and funky stuff. So, now I'm jaded. I can totally tell when a person is lying to be, and, since I love, love solving puzzles, I can piece together a string of lies to come up with the truth like no other. You're going to get pretty good at it, too, I bet.
Anyway, when I say I lost myself, I mean I stopped doing things that I really love doing. You know, like just plugging away at an unfinished novel. Or, spending time just me and my dog... Gardening. Planting trees and bushes. Dancing while I do my makeup. In a very real way, I lost a lot of my joy. I used to be so happy. I wasn't afraid of the world because I knew that only good things would come. These days, I love life. I really do. I can see the beauty in every situation, but sometimes, it's a little more forced.
In fact, even driving isn't as much fun because I don't have my dj with me anymore. I mean, she would have had to grow up eventually, but the way she did it, you know? A lot of my dreams for her have gone up in smoke, too. Oh, sure, they were basic dreams. Like what she would look like when she married the perfect man. Or how proud I would be when she graduated from college. Basic things, really, but no more important than other ones.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about how my daughter's addiction wasn't about me... But damnit - yes - it is about me. It has changed my life in some majorly profound ways. It's done a lot to take some really wonderful aspects of myself away from me, so, yeah, it's about me. Every day, it's about me. I mean, what if she overdoses? What if she dies? Worse - what if she's a vegetable for life? What then? Because, I don't know about you, but addiction or not, I'm afraid that would kill me.
How I'm getting me back
So, I've decided I can either be broken forever, or I can try to find me again. I can take that time I need to regenerate, breathe deep and start loving life again. Because guess what? Someday, I won't have forever left. Sometime, I will be old and won't have an endless number of days spread before me.
It's time to start making it happen. Today. Right away. I'm fighting the inability to sleep by not taking a nap during the day. I'm also working out again. Okay, so for now it's at night, but whatever. It's a workout. Me time. Depending on the weather, I might even throw in a chilly weather walk, let the cold clear my mind and invigorate me.
One of my favorites is that I'm listening to music again when I can. I'm - gasp - getting things for myself that I have long denied. You know, like that eyeliner that you need, or fresh mascara. Jeans when I want them. I'm not letting her situation derail my finances another time. We've been in a state of financial recovery for far too long and I'm done struggling.
So, work first when I feel like it because I always feel like it. And that takes work. I'm rediscovering my interests, dressing for me, doing my makeup for me - you'd be surprised how much power she has over how I feel about myself.
I'm also taking back my relationship with my husband. We used to be so unencumbered. For the past six years or so, there has always been my daughter's big, ugly addiction hanging over me and I'm sick of it. I know how he feels and he knows how I feel. Why talk about it anymore? Why waste another second of our precious relationship arguing about what we cannot change? We're united in how we feel about her seeking treatment, and are both agreed that we'll do what we can when it's time, but for now, why beat it up and feed the negativity? From now on, my daughter's addiction will not come between my husband and me.
So, that's how I've lost myself, and how I'm working to find me. I know I'm there, I've just gotten a little buried in all the drama, worry and stress of my adult child's addiction, but here's the thing: she is grown. I can worry about her, but I cannot change what she does. If I could, things would have turned out way different. When it's time, I'll do what it takes, but for now, I have to do this, because no matter what she chooses to do, I'm gonna have to live.
Anyway, thank you, thank you for reading! I so appreciate it - and hope you feel like you're not alone when you do. That's what matters, that we all see that we aren't alone in our struggle with our children's addictions. Until next time, be well.
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