It's a brand new year, which means that there are a whole lot of doors waiting to be opened. Some are already opening while others are waiting for the turn of the knob. I'm hoping that all of you have had a wonderful Holiday Season. I know it's been a bit of a whirlwind for me, and I'm secretly grateful that they are over. But, they were really wonderful - all things considered.
So, I've been thinking about this blog that I'm writing. See, it's supposed to be about me and how I cope with my daughter's addiction. Unlike other fortunates, my daughter is not choosing to get clean yet. She has not made the decision to begin living clean and sober just yet. In fact, she's hit another spiral. But the thing is, my goal is to be okay with this. To be okay with anything, because I know I cannot control it.
Her addiction eats me up
The thing is, like many people with the same problem, my child's addiction simply eats me up. I'm showing this in the posts I write, in the way I react to her situation and the way that I talk about it. It's not about me and how I'm coping with it - it's still about her. This reality is frustrating me immensely, and I need to figure out how to fix it.
Just as many of you are struggling with what to do about your child's addiction, I worry about the end result of my child's desire to keep using and using. I worry every day about what will happen to my granddaughter. I worry about what will happen to this delightful girl that I carried and gave birth to. It literally encompasses me, and I know you know how this feels. So, what am I doing about it?
There's a saying they have in treatment that my daughter was fond of tossing around, "It's not about you." If you've ever heard it, you can probably relate to the frustration I felt. She would toss this around all the time to remind me that her treatment didn't have anything to do with me or my feelings.
So, I've gotten in the habit of saying, "It's not my struggle." But here's the thing. It is about me dammit! She makes it about me when she does stupid things and tells me about it. She makes it about me when I am left to worry that she'll overdose or not make it. She makes it about me when I struggle with concern over who will get to raise her precious little girl.
So, yeah, it is about me. But, what am I doing about it?
What am I doing about it?
Yeah, I struggle with my child's addiction. I might be coping with it, but I'm not moving past it. In fact, I wonder if that's even remotely possible. Moving past it. Ha. So, what am I doing for myself? To be okay with it?
Right now? Nothing. Oh sure, I've said I'm going to take my life back and do for me, but what does that mean exactly? Okay, here's what it means to me, and here's what I'm going to try to do: I'm going to start trying to control my world.
She lost her job. Told me it's a layoff if you can believe that. Like I'm stupid. Ordinarily, I would do a search for articles regarding the layoffs, but this time, I'm not bogging myself down with it. I'm not going to let her lies affect me. She lost her job - who cares why. What good will exposing the lie do?
She's using, big time, again. She's hit that downward spiral again. I see it, I worry about it, but I'm not going to let it kill me. See, this year, I'm working to do some things for me. I'm working on reducing my stress levels, because if I don't I'll probably stroke out. I'm young - I don't need that crap.
I'm also working on my relationships with everyone in my family. My husband, my younger daughter and even my dogs deserve more than I've been giving. I'm going to start focusing on that. I'll support my oldest emotionally, but she cannot come back here to live because it sucks me financially dry every single time.
I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm not waiting anymore to reach my personal goals. I don't need my grown addicted child to validate who I am because I matter. So, I'm going to do what I do for me.
I am going to try to make myself happy in spite of my oldest daughter's addiction, because if I'm not happy and satisfied with my life, I can't help her when she needs it - and she always needs it.
Anyway, so from now on, I'm going to talk about the things that affect my life, because the whole situation affects my life, but I'm going to approach it from the angle of me. Because if I don't look out for me, who will. I am one of the faceless victims of addiction. It's not mine. I don't use, or drink heavily. I don't even take pain pills when I should! But this addiction of my daughter's has affected me.
So, when someone tells me that it's not about me - I beg to differ. It is. It's about me, it's about you, it's about every loved one of every person who battles an addiction out there.
For my part, I'll keep writing - and I hope you'll keep reading - and I'll talk about my journey to finally become okay with my child's addiction. And hopefully someday, I'll get to write about her recovery journey.
So, what are you doing for you this year? How are you working on coping with your child's addiction? Let's walk together. I feel better knowing I have friends who know where I'm at and that I understand where they are.
Anyway, take care. Be well, be happy and stay safe. Until next time - you are important!
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