In my last post, I talked about how my daughter's addiction is affecting me, and what I'm doing - or going to try to do - to make sure it doesn't anymore. I want to get more organized with what I want to share. However, something always holds me back. Part of it is emotional. See, the thing that many don't realize is how hard it really is to put the effects of your child's addiction into words. Sometimes, all you have is emotion, and sometimes that emotion is enough to overwhelm you.
I guess I'm one of those. I don't get mad anymore. I don't get sad, either. Instead, it seems like lately, I'm just kind of floating. I'm not in touch with my feelings, and I don't really feel anything. This leaves me wondering what's going on. I mean, I'm sure you know how it feels to just not have any feelings at all. If you've been dealing with your child's addiction for any amount of time, you're going to know where I'm at.
Now that I realize this, I'm going to start trying to get organized with my posts. Because there are things I can share that maybe you don't know, and there are probably a ton of things that you can share that I don't know. Which is why, if you have a comment, please, please leave it. I want this to be a supportive adventure. Because if we don't have each other, who do we have? I want this to be a friendly place where you can share if you want to. And, I love success stories, by the way.
Okay, so... Onto what I want to talk about today: Family therapy to help your addicted child.
Why is family therapy important?
Okay, so let's talk about family therapy for a second. It's a big deal. It helps tons of families to reconnect, respect one another and enjoy stronger bonds. When the techniques are truly put into play, and when each member of the family has a chance to communicate what they are feeling, it can be a tremendous benefit.
It's also an integral part of almost any kind of addiction treatment. If your nearest and dearest won't listen to you, who will, right? The idea is to come to terms with issues and help the person battling an addiction be able to feel that they are heard and respected. It is also meant to help family members and loved ones feel that their loved one who is battling an addiction does truly care about the relationship, even if they don't always show it.
It's supposed to work. In theory, it does work. But it doesn't always. In my case, it didn't work for me, but I suspect that for my daughter, it was a highly effective tool aimed at hurting me in ways that I will never fully recover from. Yes, my friends, there are some emotional wounds that never completely heal. My experience with family therapy is one of them.
OMG what happened?!
I hope you're saying that; it makes writing it more fun. It helps me to avoid much of the pain of revisiting this experience. When we first discovered the level that my daughter was abusing substances - almost any, but namely suboxone at the time - we decided we needed to get her help. I immediately pulled her out of school for over a month. I made an appointment with a local rehab, thinking that this would be the first line of defense.
Our insurance wanted her to attend an intensive outpatient treatment program, which is pretty much like rehab, but without the room and board. It was a solid five weeks of driving her to and from her day at rehab. I didn't mind, and for a while, I know she made a ton of progress. She was discovering things about herself, and it was wonderful. She was becoming. And I believe she was enjoying what she was seeing.
It was really great, except for Friday nights. This was family therapy night. Now, let me preface this by telling you that I don't like to be told what I feel. I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm repressing something when I deal in my way. I have this crazy way - as I think many of us do - of working through things in my mind and then putting them away. I might revisit them once in a while, but I'm not one to dwell. I prefer happiness.
Okay, so now that you know this about me, the rest of the experience should be easier to get.
While I am probably partially blinded by the negative, I'm going to try to stay objective. It hurts less. I know the therapist tried to guide the conversation. I also know that family therapy to help your addicted child isn't about your feelings. It is about their feelings and helping them through. I'm a good sport, and I can accept blame. I can even sincerely apologize for things that a person thinks I have done to wrong them.
This is all fine, and I think it could be for anyone. This is where the objectivity flies out the window, though, because all I can say is that I would leave these sessions, come home, hide in my room and cry. I tried to have a rule of not talking about anything that happened in family therapy afterward because I didn't have the energy to fight. So, I would come home and cry, while my daughter went on her way feeling self-satisfied at her success of breaking her mother down yet again.
The therapist allowed my child to attack me verbally. In retrospect, I can understand how my daughter's concerns of me changing (growing up, finding love, that kind of thing) really mattered. They mattered then, and they matter now. I know I was young when I had her, and I know that these natural changes were difficult for her to experience, but the reality is that we weren't getting to the crux of the problem, and her attacks were a blatant attempt to deflect my attention from things that happened with her bio-dad. To this day, she still hasn't told me, but she's told others and they have told me.
The therapist failed to see this. She failed to encourage a calmer way of explaining feelings and completely ignored my shock and hurt. I'm pretty transparent. My apologies were heartfelt and sincere. I honestly did not know that I had done so much damage. Imagine my guilt, shame and heartache when I was told that I did. Imagine the agony that I have gone through since that day, knowing that in choosing to live a good life for myself and my daughter, I damaged her. It hurts me every single day. Even now, six years later, I am still haunted by the pain from these sessions.
Healing my damaged heart
I'm going to have to develop a thicker skin, I think. Recounting this is really difficult... So, in some ways, I'm sure that family therapy to help my addicted child helped her. It allowed her to get a lot of her anger at me out. After all, I was the target because I couldn't stop what I didn't know. I didn't save her, and that is without a doubt my failing. I didn't' stop the things that were happening, and that is my fault.
While I know that my daughter probably didn't mean to hurt me about the other things, she needed to express anger and didn't want to tell me what really happened. Like I said, I still don't know and may never. All I know is that it must have been bad and traumatic. In my defense, I tried to love it out of her. I tried to provide safety, security and a never ending feeling of love and acceptance. I really did try. Nobody has ever loved their child more than I have loved mine.
So, when I was hurt so badly, I didn't want to take it out on her. I didn't want her to see how seriously this affected me, either. I hid it all. I talked to my mom, and my husband. Through that heartache, these are the two people who did the most to heal me. I owe my sanity today to them and their endless patience when listening to my pitiful proclamations of self-blame.
The good news is that like all things, the pain has faded with time. Unless I'm actively thinking about it, I don't think about it and I don't hurt anymore. I have learned some things that I can honestly share that will hopefully help you when you're going through family therapy to help your addicted child:
- First and foremost - if you don't feel that you're being treated fairly, stop the session. This is your right. I don't care how badly you messed up in the past, you deserve to be told in a way that is respectful of your feelings. Healing one person should never involve breaking another. No matter how good it makes them feel.
- Stay calm. There will be time to cry later, and sometimes you'll hear some things that are shocking. Stay calm. Think about what your child is telling you and take your time with a response. The goal is respect and help.
- Remember, this isn't really therapy for you. You might not get a chance to speak your mind about the way your child behaves. Then again, a good therapist will give you the opportunity. When you're given the chance, be mindful of your child's feelings. You are still, and always will be, the parent.
- Work on it. When you leave family therapy, it's really easy to go back to your old ways. The thing is, even if your child isn't successful at kicking his addiction this time, you can learn from your experience. So apply it. Use it, and, at least, you'll enjoy a healthier relationship.
Anyway, that's my experience with family therapy. If you're going through family therapy to help your child, know that it might get tough. You may be tempted to give up. Your heart may break. Hearts heal. So, make the most of it, and remember, the goal is to help your child live a healthy, clean, addiction-free life.
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