I hope you're well! I hope that your child's addiction isn't getting the best of you and your life, but if it is, it's understandable. I know that I sometimes have downer days. Sometimes, I have really tough weeks. Those suck because it's like nothing at all could make me happy except being able to turn back the clock and figure out how to stop it before it started.
Not so long ago, I wrote about how my daughter's addiction isn't about me. I still wonder, though, if it's not about me, why am I so profoundly affected by this whole experience? Why is it changing the very essence of who I am? How is it that one little person who I gave life to could be so powerful to devastate me with some simple actions against herself?
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| Another pretty picture of the Gulf... Can you tell I love it? |
More to the point, why didn't I see my daughter's addiction coming and why didn't I stop it? Could I have stopped it?
The truth is, I really don't know, but in my work, and my research, I have learned a little about what causes addiction. I have also learned a little about what can boost your chances of intercepting it before it becomes a significant issue. In my case, it's a little too late, I think, but I know there are a lot of people out there who are just now confronting the reality that their teen or young adult child is abusing substances or alcohol.
Now, I drink, and I know that for many (older teens) kids this age, having a few drinks, and even getting drunk can be a rite of passage. But, I'm including it because it can become a tremendous problem for many.
So, let's get to it: What Causes Addiction
When we think of addiction as a disease, we worry that it's catching, like the flu. In a sense, it partially is, and this is what many don't realize about it. Now, researchers know that addiction does run in families. We often see it when parents battle an addiction and their children grow up to do the same.
Now, yes, part of it has to do with environmental factors. If your parents are always getting high, then it's what you know, so you do the same. However, studies show that some people are more likely to develop addictions than others. In a way, you could say it's in the neurons, and how stimulated the "pleasure center" center of the brain gets. Some studies suggest that men don't develop addictions as easily as women because they can tolerate more substances or alcohol than women.
So, is this what causes addiction? Partly, yes. Partly, addictions develop because of the way our brain chemistry reacts with substances or alcohol. It's the same reason why some college students can go on a bender week after week, and be fine, while others can wind up needing something more.
However, this isn't the only thing that causes addiction. Addiction ultimately stems from the consumption of substances or alcohol on a consistent basis. The high is something that many begin to depend on. They crave it. It's their safe, soothing place. In many cases, there are emotional burdens that have not been properly dealt with. Maybe it's bullying. Maybe it's divorced parents. Maybe it's something even worse and more traumatic. The point is that when people are using or drinking to soothe emotional issues, the use often continues and escalates.
Keep in mind that you don't have to have anything wrong to wind up using or drinking in excess and on a continuous basis. It could be the people you hang out with, or your job. It could be an effort to impress friends in high school that gets your child started. There are a lot of variables that you're dealing with here, and chances are, your teen or young adult won't be telling you. If they felt they could communicate with you without fear of repercussions, chances are, they wouldn't be hiding what they do.
That being said, know that it's likely not your fault. Accepting the blame for decisions that others make is not going to make your child's addiction go away. There are lots of really wonderful parents out there who have kids that battle addictions. You're probably one of these.
So, can you stop it?
Once you find out that you have an addicted child on your hands, the next question is whether you can stop it or not. This is a really tough question. Know that even with teens who are still your responsibility, if they want to get high or drunk, they are going to get high or drunk. You can't punish it out of them. Trust me, I've tried.
You also can't force your addicted child to quit her addiction. I tried this, too. I forced her into treatment and all she did was work the system. At the time, I did the best I knew how to do. Drug use was not something I was familiar with. I mean, yeah, I had friends who were pretty heavy pot smokers and used other recreational substances, but not all the time. Those who had issues were better cut ties with. I didn't keep on with them, becasue it really wasn't worth it to me. So, to me, treatment was the way to go.
I think it was effective in some ways, so don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-rehab. However, I do think that your addicted child has to want to get clean and sober, or they will have an easy time of convincing people that they are legitimately getting clean and sober.
It's really easy to understand when you think about it, because as teens, our kids are mostly worried about staying out of trouble. I mean, yes, they care, but you should know that the teenaged brain doesn't work like adult brains do. There are neurons that shorten as a person gets older. These are the ones that cause feelings of invincibility and spontenaity. In a normal, healthy person, they will shorten as we age, while others that dictate responsibility, stability and long-term thinking grow as we age. Studies show that usually around the age of 25, the process is pretty much complete.
So, even though your teen cares, he isn't thinking much past tomorrow or the next day. The long-term effects of continued substance or alcohol abuse aren't really figuring in right now. When you add that to the fact that teens and young adults naturally feel that they will live forever, and you've got an almost "Kamikazee" mentality. It can be a really dangerous mix. So, when you're trying to encourage your teen to get clean and sober, all he's likely thinking about is that you're proud right now, and what you don't know won't hurt you.
This is what happened to me. Now, I don't know for sure that you can stop addiction. However, I've done a lot of thinking about this, and here's what I've established: I should have done things differently. I should have done things kind of like this:
- Rather than yelling at my daughter for her "bad" behavior, I should have calmly explained that she's on a really bad path. I should have paved the way for communication that she could feel comfortable with. I should not have threatened her. In fact, I feel like that just made things worse.
- I should have begun to identify her emotional issues with her father earlier. I should have addressed the anxiety that she felt with a therapist as soon as I spotted it. I should not have taken her word for it that everything was okay and that she didn't need a therapist. I didn't know. I was young, and wanted to believe in my daughter's resilience. I was also naive and wanted to believe that her father would never do anything to hurt her. When added to the bullying that she experienced, the poor girl really had a tough road and I didn't do enough to fix it for her.
- I should have gotten her involved in stuff. You know, sports or something. She was always in activities, but there was nothing that ever really stuck. Most of them were extracirricular activities, so she still didn't fit in school. I should have connected with her more.
- I should have made more of an effort to connect her with us. We should have done more together. She didn't want to and I didn't push. She always went with on trips, and we didn't leave her alone much, but we didn't push her to partake of family movie nights and the little things.
Would these have stopped her addiction? No, I doubt it. Well, except helping her with therapy to allow her to feel better adjusted. But, I feel like I can only change the way I do things with her now. I can only try to save the little girl that I know is still in there. So, I make efforts to involve her more in life now - minus the trips. I try to offer the opportunity to communicate with me, so she can unload it. I know she has secrets, but I try to stay neutral when she finally tells me. Because she always does now.
I try to help her through the tough situations emotionally, and support her triumphs when she has them. I try to encourage her as a parent, and I let her know that I know what she's doing, but that it doesn't diminish how I feel about her. Maybe with time it will be enough.
Oh, and one more thing about those nerves that grow and shorten as you age? When an addiction develops, those changes are stunted, and that is what makes it so hard for adults who have battled an addiciton since they were teens to kick their addictions. They still think like a teen, and sometimes need to learn new behaviors. That can make it tough, becasue if it doesn't come naturally, it's harder to stick to.
I hope this helps, I know that education has helped me. It doesn't cure it, but it might help us to change the way we see addiction, and those who struggle with it.
Anyway, be well. Chin up, and know that you are not alone. We will overcome this, and so will our kids. In the mean time, we have each other. Thanks for checking in!
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