Hi All!!!
So... How were the Holidays? Okay, before I start, I'm going to say that I do Christmas, but I know there are other important Holidays. I'm not oblivious to them, and I have the utmost respect for them, however, I don't know about all of them. So, when I refer to Christmas, please know that I know that you might not do Christmas, but that your Holidays are still important. Everyone's are. So, I hope that everyone who reads this feels as blessed as I do, and that everyone who reads this has had a wonderful, beautiful and healthy season.
Okay - so that's said. Now, I know I've been really quiet lately and I'm so sorry. In my last post, I talked about what it's really like when your child relapses. That was where I left it. The last few months have been really hard and stressful. I think I said that my daughter stayed with us while her boyfriend was in jail. Well, it's been a pretty rough run. She said she was staying clean - except for that relapse - but now I'm thinking she probably didn't. It sucks. I also found out that she cheated on her boyfriend. Great, right?
Well, they stayed together so far, and she's still working, which is good, but I know she's not staying clean. In fact, I'm fairly certain she's back to the good old H. But, at least, she's not belligerent, slurring her words or acting ugly.
I'm going to talk about accepting in my next post, but for this one, I want to talk about how Christmas affected my daughter - and her addiction. Let me preface this by saying that I don't have a huge family. I think there are 11 of us altogether. But, they are a group of lots of love and strong opinions. I get nervous around them. I love them all to pieces and they are truly wonderful, but I still get nervous.
So, for my daughter, anxiety and even a bit of defensiveness was on the menu. I mean, let's be real, it's not like my family doesn't know about my daughter's addiction. They know her ups and downs, and they watch to see how she's doing. In short, like those of us who are closest to her, they love her. They want to see her do well, and they worry when she doesn't.
You would think that all this love and these strong opinions would make her want to quit, right? Well, it's kind of the contrary. She actually didn't. I think she figured that she got away with something pretty great when nobody said anything to her or boyfriend about her using, and in truth, my parents didn't notice anything on one of the days, and that was the day that her glass eyes and excessively calm demeanor gave her away. Not to mention that she goes way out of her way to act like an amazing mom.
So, my sister, who has a very strained relationship with my daughter - which is crazy sad because they used to be so, so close - did a great job of not saying anything or going out of her way to make things tough. For that, I thanked her. And, my daughter, who feels the push and the judgement of her habits, also did a great job and stayed calm and cool. They even hugged, which is progress.
Okay, now you're probably wondering how all this affected my daughter's addiction. Me too for a second. In some ways, it did her good. It kept her grounded and connected, and it reminded her that things like this are important. This is a good thing, of course.
Then, it was time to open presents. This is the part that everyone struggles with. You know, her addiction really takes her out of the running for favorite gift recipient. When you add that to the fact that she is grown and does have a child, it has the potential to be a pretty big bummer for her.
Add that to the fact that my oldest daughter has a tendency to get very jealous of my youngest and you've got a potentially hazardous situation. Okay, so I'll tell you I was as nervous as a person can get. The good thing is that everything went pretty okay, but... There was a moment. A very jealous moment. Between my oldest and youngest.
Now, I don't know how everyone else sees the act of gift-giving. I see it as: when we're close, and enjoying each other's company, I want to give you something. It's because I love you and you're good to me, and I want to be good to you. Now, my oldest and I have been connecting well - YAY! - but, well, she's not really trying very hard to get clean, and she's lying about it. Both of which have me a bit upset. But, I still got her some pretty great things because - well - I love her. And she's my kid. And she needs to know that she is loved.
Well, there was a pair of boots that she wanted. That my youngest got. It was an entirely coincidental situation, and it happened becasue I didn't think it was okay to give people a list when she hadn't even really been talking to those who would be delivering the gifts she was asking for.
However, when she saw the boots, she was visibly upset and trying really hard to pretend she wasn't. Props for the effort, but my hope is that she will be able to see how important it is to maintain those connections in the future.
So, how did the Holidays affect my daughter's addiction? Well, she came back for dinner super tired, but not high. Weird, right? Well, she wasn't very actively participating. In fact, she slept on the couch while my precious granddaughter had the time of her life. And, she didn't come over last night. I'm guessing that she was licking her wounds.
But, I'm hopeful. See, I think that she might slowly start to realize that you have to be connected. If you expect things from others, you have to be willing to give, and most of the time, the best thing to give is yourself. A lack of gift can be forgiven, but not even taking the time to talk to those who are giving you gifts is an issue.
So, that was the lesson for this year: spend time. I gently told her that it's important to spend time so that during times like these, you feel connected and involved, not like you're just there because you're related by blood.
Anyway, all-in-all, I think that things weren't bad at all. Like I said, I am counting my blessings and happily tired tonight. I've reclaimed my house, but feel melancholy at the silence. It's the aftermath of a joyous holiday, and even if she had a few moments, I'm still glad that my daughter - and her addiction - were here to celebrate it with us.
I hope all of you had a beautiful Holiday. I hope that you're all looking forward and finding ways to cope with your child's addiction. I hope with all my heart that at least some of our addicted children choose to make this the year that they get clean and sober. I'll keep hanging on, and I hope that all of you will, too.
We can walk this road together, if you want. I'm here, feeling it, and living it with you.
As always, thank you for checking in. Thank you for reading and thank you for walking this road with me! Take care.
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