What It's Really Like When Your Kid Relapses

Hey, Everyone ~

Like that little squiggly thing? Haha - I thought it looked kind of pretty and different! Okay, so. What's happening today? How's things? How is everyone? How's the self-discovery and liberation from your child's addiction today? I hope each day gets better, but I get setbacks... Boy, do I ever.

Sidenote: do I sound like a person desperate to be asked the question, "What's wrong?" Okay, you caught me. 

So, I'll just get right to it, then. Last night, my daughter said that she had a ride home from work. Now, I'm already leery of her "rides." I mean, come on. Her only friends are all junkies or they sell to junkies. What's not to be afraid of, right? But, in an effort to have faith in my child and her recovery, I was like, "Okay..." Pretty much that's it. Okay. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and knew that things weren't sounding so great, but what can you do, you know? She's grown.

Okay, now keep in mind that I had just posted yesterday's topic. I went on and on about how my daughter is doing well and staying clean. Oh right. Yep - super jerk. But, see here's the thing, I didn't know anything when she called. Only that I was suspicious. I'm a mom, after all.

The day went on. I did what I do... Worked, cleaned, did some laundry, hung out, nursed my stuffy nose... You know normal Sunday stuff.

When my daughter came home - a half hour later than it takes me to get her home - and rushed right up the stairs to the room that is not hers, and didn't even say hi to me as I was cleaning the bathroom that she refuses to clean, I felt iffy. When my youngest took my granddaughter up to see my oldest daughter and looked up and to the left when she told me that she didn't know if her sister was okay, I felt wonky.


When The damn girl came back downstairs and refused to look at me - fairly obviously, by the way - I knew. That feeling settled right in the pit of my stomach and made me so mad.

See, I don't care what anyone says about relapse. What it's really like when your kid relapses and what the experts say you should do are two different things. I see. The first time (in three weeks) I was like, "Kid you need, need to clean this up." The second time (in three weeks), I was like, "WTH man? Why are you doing this? You can't control it baby. Why do you keep trying?" 

This time (count: three times, three weeks), I was like, "Are you fing serious? Why? You're gonna lose your job. You're gonna be right back at where you started and you won't be able to come back. Why can't you just try?" 

I said (and I'm pretty sure this is word-for-word), "How can you really get clean if you don't try, kid? Did you have fun laughing at us as we told you how proud of you we are last night?"

Oh, yeah, I totally committed a bunch of addiction recovery cardinal sins. I bypassed the "It's not about you," mantra completely and I made it about me, because honestly, it is about me now. And my marriage. And my husband, and my youngest daughter. And her daughter. It's about my checking account, my sanity, and my freaking life.

Okay, so I'm mad. Yes, I'm upset. Not because it's a relapse, but mostly because it's not. I have a client who used to be addicted to cocaine and he told me, "She's not done, Melissa. No amount of pleading and begging will make her change." Awesome.

So now that I have a clearer picture of what's happening, what do I do? Do I toss up my hands and give up? Do I keep going through this and get more and more sick of her actions? Or, do I stick with the plan and wait for her to want it bad enough for herself?

Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'll just leave things as they are. She's not staying with me long term, so I'll get my life back. She's working, so I don't have to support her. She's going to ger her license, so that's good news because I won't have to drive her everywhere, and since she can't live with her baby-daddy here when he gets out of jail, I figure she'll have to start making some kind of home.

I will still spend time (but not all that extra money) on her, because, for starters, she won't need it - she has a job, and the more I buy for her, the less I'm making her feel the pain of an addiction.

I'm awful. I know I'm awful. I love this kid so, so much. But I'm beginning to feel a little like her "relapse" is more of an excuse to get the things she needs, get back in good with us and use us in some way. Of course, I could be wrong. I am just mad. I hope it's better.

Anyway, so this is what it's really like when your kid relapses. I'm here with you, my friends. I won't give up, but for today, I'm stepping back and licking my wounds... And nursing my stuffy nose and sore head. 

Still, I wanted to touch base. This, to me, was pretty major. Anyway. Take care. And as always, thank you for reading.