So, I know I promised, promised more regular posts last time, and I really, really meant to, but if I'm honest with myself, this week was just kind of - complicated. Not bemoaning most of it by any stretch, but the schedules have been in a bit of an upheaval lately and I've been left feeling exhausted, and more than a little frustrated.
I'm hoping all of you out there have had a better - and calmer - week than I have because the stress of chaotic weeks can really take a toll on us. And I really hope that your child's addiction isn't bringing you down or frustrating you too much. I know it's hard, especially when she is grown and you feel like you're always having to take care of everything for her - oh wait! That's me!! - but things will get better. I promise. I know. They have to.
This brings me to today's post, though. I have been so totally stressed out lately, and I'm not really sure why. I mean, in a very real sense, even though I've had extra running to do and haven't had a moment to myself, mostly things are good (except that my husband got rear ended one night on the way to pick my oldest up from work - yes! Work!! - and his beautiful truck needs to go into the shop for repairs, but it's okay. He's okay and the damage is minor...), so why am I so stressed?
What's been going on in my world?
Okay, so here it is: my oldest has a job. Like a full-time, get her out on her own and taking care of her daughter job. Like one that can potentially support her and help her to live the kind of life she wants job. You know, one that keeps her so busy she can't help but stay clean? Yeah, that kind of job. It's super-amazing, awesome. I'm super proud of her, but here's the catch: since she doesn't have her license or a vehicle, guess who takes her to and from?
Yep - you guessed it. Right at the peak time of the day, twice a day, we have been dropping her off and picking her up. AND - since the babysitter she thought she had lined up didn't have any more openings, guess who's playing daycare? Yep, and doing my first, and second job...
Are you getting the idea with this stress thing? I mean, it's not so much about expenses, I'm getting way past that, but it's more the time. Frankly, I just don't have any. I'm lucky to get about six hours of sleep a night because I'm always playing catch-up with my work and getting up at the butt-crack of dawn doesn't allow for much energy for important stuff like working out.
Of course, it doesn't help that we've all been passing around some kind of respiratory funk, but that will pass.
So, yes, bear with me. I get that I'm complaining. And I'm sorry. Lots of good things happened this week, too. And I am so grateful for all the good that we have going on in our world. I mean, my daughter hasn't used anything for two weeks, not even Suboxone to help with cravings.
That in itself is such a blessing. To be able to see her beautiful, healthy face. Yes, we struggle because she has attitude, and so do I, but she is healthy. It's so wonderful. So, why am I so stressed?
Getting to the bottom of it for me
I've been trying to understand what's really got me going nuts. Things are amazing. The long and short of it: it's not so much the schedule. It's not that I'm constantly working because I love that. It's not that I give so much to everyone - that's just me - so what the heck is the issue? I really believe it's one of my personality flaws. I believe that I allow my loved ones to make me feel guilty for not being enough. They might not think I'm not enough, but I see things that way.
So, even with my oldest and her amazing efforts and day-by-day successes, and with all the really amazing things I have going on in my life right now, I'm allowing everyone in my family to put themselves over me.
This, I'm sure, is one of my major issues that I have to learn to work on. So, I'm trying. I'm not letting my family suffer without me by any stretch, but I can ask for their help once in a while. I can expect that they not argue over chores that need to be done. I can also expect that they all act old enough to recognize that I need my time, too.
I also, and maybe you can relate, haven't really had the time to digest all these new changes. While they are wonderful, I seek solace in quiet sometimes. I appreciate the opportunity to just be by myself in the quiet. I haven't had that. Sometimes, when we're coming to the end of a really stressful time in our lives, it takes some time to decompress. If you're like me, you need to switch from high gear and just kind of cruise for a while.
Plus, while I am very cautiously optimistic, I am also wary. Breaking down one wall at a time can be exhausting. But I know if I don't do it, nobody else will.
So, I guess the message for today is that you have to get to the bottom of your stress. You have to find ways to take care of you. No matter where you're at with your child's addiction, this is going to be what really carries you through. When things do start getting better, you'll realize that it's the answer to your prayers, but that getting them back on track comes with its own set of problems and sacrifices.
Be okay with you. Take time for you. Expect no less than you give. And enjoy the times you get to spend together. It's coming up on Thanksgiving, and even though I only feed the five of us, I love, love the Holiday Kickoff. I hope that you do, too. I hope that you are able to see joy and happiness in your Holiday season. Together, one day at a time, we can heal. We can be okay. And we can be the strength that our grown children need when it's time for them to change their lives.
So, be well. And take care - and as always, thank you for reading.
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